Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Counting down...

As of yesterday,I'm officially scheduled and educated for surgery (have I mentioned it's June 10th?)
Squeeee!


I was nervous because of the 4lbs I was told I had to lose before I could be approved surgery; I was committed the entire two weeks to replacing meals with protein shakes, exercising, food journaling, eating right....with my clothes on, I just barely made it. I'll admit, the night before my appointment, I took stool softeners (every bit helps). My appointment wasn't until 1pm, so no eating all day.
I had my morning coffee and a protein shake- that's it. Standing naked on the scale, I came in 6lbs lighter! I took a pic, in case my clothes put me over the limit. I was the third one to sign in, and the first to be called back (probably because my ass was on the line if I didn't lose the 4lbs). I got on the scale at the office- tah dah! 

Still 6lbs lighter- and I'm still bloated and on my period(yes, mine can last 2+ weeks). They also took pictures and measurements so I can see and measure how much I'm shrinking when I go for my two week, six week, three month, six month, and yearly follow-ups.

Along with my weigh-in, I had my consent signing, pre-op, and post-op nutrition class yesterday. Being that I spent 2+ years living a low-carb lifestyle, I already knew a lot about protein intake and how to maximize it. I learned that I'll have a catheter inserted before surgery (ugh...yay) and that I get to start soft foods only three days after surgery; I'd thought it was only liquids for the first two weeks! Not that soft/pureed foods sound appealing.....



I spent all yesterday evening looking at David and just squealing "I'm having surgery in less than a month!" and his response was just a blank stare- he's 170lbs on his heaviest day, so he has no idea how exciting this is. 



Nobody knows how exciting this is for me. Today, I start crying every time I think about this because I'm so damn happy...and hopeful. I haven't felt this much hope in a very long time. I was 237lbs at my lowest adult weight, and that was with starving myself and living at the gym; that's no way to live life, drinking 1 protein shake a day and being miserable and hungry all the time. 

I was 292lbs yesterday at my weigh-in. Granted, my heaviest weight ever is 380lbs, but still...gaining back 55lbs that you've already lost is incredibly depressing. I have so few clothes that fit me anymore, I hate to leave the house because I'm so uncomfortable in my body, my knees hurt, my back hurts: I'm more miserable now than I was when I was almost 100lbs heavier.
 

Someone asked me a few days ago if this surgery would shorten my life; realistically, because of how much this is going to improve my health, it's going to prolong it. Honestly, I'm to the point that I would still do it if it shortened my life by five years- it's not about quantity of life, but quality. I'm depressed and miserable right now: if my weight stays like this (or, most likely, I'd keep gaining), my quality of life isn't worth it.

I just want to be able to live a full life without being depressed, in pain, self-conscious, and miserable. I firmly believe this is the solution. 


I'm ready.

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