This isn't ground-breaking news to anyone; I've been obese since I can remember.
And to those who read "I. am. fat" and think of this:
You have to pay outrageous prices for clothes and, to be honest, the selection is pretty limited (read crappy). You have to squeeze to fit into...well, everything- a car, a seat at a restaurant, rides at an amusement park, seats at the movie theater, or a waiting room chair. You feel constantly scrutinized, not only by strangers, but by well meaning family members...and yourself. Constantly.
Plus there's the health issues (just a bit of medical terminology- a health issue that you have because of another health issue is called a "comorbidity". For example, many morbidly obese people have high blood pressure or diabetes as a result of their weight. Therefore, their hypertension and diabetes are considered comorbidities). Comorbidities related to obesity include:
- High cholesterol
- Diabetes
- Hypertension
- Arthritis and other bone/joint diseases
- Sleep apnea
- Asthma and many other respiratory diseases
- PCOS and various other reproductive diseases
- Metabolic syndrome (learn more about metabolic syndrome here: http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/metabolic-syndrome/basics/definition/con-20027243
- Gallbladder disease
- Endocrine diseases
So, I am pursuing bariatric surgery.
I know I've had some weight loss success in recent years. I'm gonna come clean- it wasn't 100% me- more like 80%. It wasn't all because I lived a low-carb lifestyle and exercised. I also took a weight loss medicine for a year called Phentermine(also known as Adipex). Would I have lost weight if I took it and ate whatever I wanted? No...I lost someone I had considered my best friend because we started taking it together and I had amazing success while she had none. The difference? I was disciplined while she wasn't. But I won't tell her story for her...
But the Phentermine did help greatly. I felt little to no hunger. I had tons of energy. It made me a bit manic, to be honest. But it also made me experience some depression too. It wasn't horrible; I could tolerate/cope with it. But after time, the effectiveness of the Phentermine began to decrease, which is normal. I was even able to maintain my weight. But, as with the majority of obese people, the frustration of working hard and getting nowhere began to take its toll. Life happened. Sometimes, due to work and school, I didn't have time to make a completely low-carb meal, so we had sandwiches. I'd go into work where there's always cake, cookies, and candies laying around and, during a stressful shift where I didn't get time to sit down and eat my healthy lunch, I sat down with a few cookies to eat while I charted. Life happens. Unfortunately, because of my PCOS and insulin resistance, a few cookies that wouldn't be enough to effect most people, makes me gain a couple of pounds. Then comes the shame. And the frustration. And then more food.
It's a vicious cycle.
So why didn't I tell anyone about the Phentermine? Because of the stigma and shame that's associated with having help losing weight. The same stigma that's attached to having surgery. "You need to learn how to put down the fork. Eat more salads. You're looking for the easy way." You're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't. Look, if all it took to be a healthy weight was to eat salads and go for walks, I'd be a size 2. I've eaten enough salads in the last 3 years(not drowned in croutons and dressing) and I've not only walked- I've RAN. My fat ass ran so much over the last summer, I developed wicked achilles tendonitis in my right heel. You know how much weight I lost over the summer? None- I only maintained. I starved myself sometimes and got nowhere. Nothing worked.
In fact, I've gained 35 pounds back since August. My highest weight was 380lbs- I had thought my highest weight was 370, but I revisited my PCOS blog from 2009 and I had stated my weight then at 380. Also, looking back at old pics from then, I can believe it.
In fact, I've been completely depressed the last few months because of the shame in gaining weight back. I've been letting it effect my life and my relationships. To anyone who's felt ignored by me for the last few months, I'm sorry. Quite frankly, it's been hard to leave my bed, much less my home. I'm embarrassed to be out in public.
I got down to 235 at my lowest last year and that was with STARVING myself. For a month, I only had one 12 oz hemp protein shake a day along with the phentermine and I couldn't get my body to cooperate and lose any more than that. I know a good handful of people who have had bariatric surgery and had amazing results with it. But I noticed one common factor with all of them; not a single one of them told anyone they were doing it until after they had the surgery.
Why? I don't know; I can only speculate that it may have been because they didn't want to be judged as a failure for needing such a drastic measure. Initially, I had the same plan when I started thinking of this back in August. I wasn't even going to tell my parents because I didn't want anyone to look down on me for needing help. It's especially hard and embarrassing for me because of my past success.
Look, I can build a house by using a rock to bang boards and nails together;
But it works a hell of a lot better if I have a hammer.
My weight has been a lifelong issue- I NEED a lifelong tool I can use.
So, I've decided to do something hard- I'm sharing my journey with anyone who needs it.
Or for anyone who wants to judge me- I'm over giving a damn.
I need to do this for ME so I can be here longer for the people I love and have a better quality of life.
You are an inspiration. Thank you for sharing your story!
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